Lost the Game
by Zoe Standing Bare
Summary: Jason always taught me that you only lose the game when you think you’ve lost the game. In other words, fight until the last minute…if you give up, then the game is already lost." Angst and more angst from Peter's POV.


Author's Note: Finally back to some angst. So much more comfortable for me…Haha. Anyway, this is really depressing. But I really like it.

Disclaimer: I wish I could hold them all hostage and make them mine. But I can't. Oh well.

_Spring Break_

Jason always taught me that you only lose the game when you think you've lost the game. In other words, fight until the last minute…if you give up, then the game is already lost. I know he was talking about baseball, or any sport for that matter, but at this point, I can't help but apply it to my life.

I'm pretty sure that at this point, I've lost the game.

Honestly, I never thought I'd win. It seemed too unlikely, being who I am and everything. But on the other hand, I figured that even if I lost and went to Hell, Jason would be there with me. After all, he's doing the same things I am…at least…he was doing the same things I was. Apparently now he's seen the error of his ways or something like that. I'm not bitter or anything…just depressed. As much as I'm trying to tell myself that it was just a bad dream, I know it wasn't. Otherwise I wouldn't be sitting here, halfway through spring break, without having gotten a call from Jason.

Mom has asked me multiple times why I'm being so reclusive. "If this is some sort of excuse not to see your father," she said, "it's not going to work. You still have to visit him at least once."

And visit him I did. Only to hear him remark on how awful I look. "You haven't been getting much sleep, have you champ?" he asked me. He called me champ. That probably bothered me the most. My dad hasn't called me champ since I was little. Probably not since the divorce.

But I haven't been getting much sleep, not at all. I'm afraid to go to sleep at night, because all I can see is Jason. He still fills my dreams; sometimes we're laughing together and sometimes I see his angry face when he told me it was over. I don't want to experience either situation, no matter how I'm seeing him, it hurts. Whether it be because I know we'll never get to laugh like that again or because I know eventually that angry face is all I'll be able to remember.

I don't want to forget the good times.

I don't want to lose the game.

But at this point, it's been lost. I had something so good, so perfect, and I had to ruin it. Maybe if I had been less pushy…maybe if I had just kept my mouth shut and been grateful for what we had rather than wanting more. Oh my God, I can't help but feel like it was my fault. If I hadn't…

But I did. I went and screwed everything up for us. To think I was planning to tell my mother over spring break. To think I would trust some crazy half drunk-half high hallucination (as realistic as it was…)

I made a mistake and lost Jason. And I want him back.

Pilgrim's Hands

He said that he misses me. I don't believe him. How could he say such a thing when he was so sure of what he was doing a few short months ago?

I can't help but watch him carefully as he starts Pilgrim's Hands. I pray that Diane forgets the lines, that I can jump in there and pick up Juliet's part, just as I rehearsed with Jason. It feels like it was so long ago that we were in our room, helping each other learn lines before collapsing on one of our beds, me giggling and him chuckling before we kissed. Yes, it truly feels like eons ago.

And then, for the first time since Jason broke up with me, God answers my prayer.

I hop up as Diane stutters, moving fluidly into the dance I practiced so many times with Jason. "Good pilgrim, you do wrong your hand too much, which mannerly devotion shows in this, for saints have hands that pilgrims' hands do…" I tremble as our hands come together, hesitating for a moment, "touch- and palm to palm is holy palmers' kiss…"

It sounds awful, and I suddenly feel very exposed. As if everyone can see the way Jason and I are looking into each others' eyes. Because all of a sudden, the way Jason is looking at me is very different than he has been since he broke my heart. It's the way he used to look at me, from our first kiss until right before the end. And I'm looking right back.

Someone must notice.

But no one does.

Luckily (or is it unluckily?) Ivy comes in right when I think I'm about to jump into Jason's arms and kiss him. Our perfect moment is ruined, and things are back to the way they are supposed to be. I'm separated from Jason again, and he's not looking at me. It's like he's afraid to see me. Maybe he is.

Maybe he really is hurting.

But I can't believe that. It doesn't make sense, this was his choice, his action. I'm suffering the consequences, and although he may be to some small degree…well, this is what he wanted, right?

If we were playing a game, I would be the loser. I lost the damned game. I can't shake it off, it's the way it is. I just want to go back to my new dorm room (I'm sure Lucas won't be there) and cry. Maybe try to sleep, not that that's been too easy lately. I leave rehearsal quickly, forgetting my backpack. I'm halfway to my room when I remember, and with a sigh I turn around.

As I walk into the room, I see Sister Chantelle standing there. Like she's waiting for something.

"I forgot this…" I say. I can see the look in her eyes. She was waiting for me.

"But you remembered all of Juliet's lines."

"I helped Jason rehearse…" and then quickly. "I should go."

"Sit down."

Bare

I promised myself goodbye wouldn't hurt so much.

Didn't I say to myself that if Jason came back, I would say goodbye for now? It's for my own sanity, I don't want him to keep playing with my head. All this time I thought I was losing the game, but I was only letting myself lose. I might have a chance at winning this.

At least I thought I did.

I can feel the tears in my eyes as he tells me he loves me…something Jason had never said before. And I can't help my words, because I love him too. More than anything, and now I know our future is together.

We kiss, and it's the most beautiful kiss we've ever shared. But there's something behind it I don't understand. A certain…desperation…something that scares me. And I can't figure it out.

It's not the ending. It's the beginning. This time we're both going to win, I know we are.

But I'm not so sure as we go onstage. I can feel my heart beating heavily, I know something is going on. And then Jason starts fumbling onstage. He knows this dance better than anyone, and I can't figure out what he's doing.

And then he's reaching for me, and my heart all but stops.

I was wrong all along. I wasn't losing the game…Jason was. He was so lost, so scared…and I rush to him, pulling him close. I can hear his breathing slow down, getting shallower and shallower…

I suddenly realize I'm sobbing as I hold him. People are trying to pry my arms away, but I won't let them. I hear sirens coming closer and closer but I still won't let go.

Jason's breathing stops and my heart freezes.

Graduation

Jason always taught me that you only lose the game when you think you've lost the game. In other words, fight until the last minute…if you give up, then the game is already lost. I had no idea that he wouldn't follow his own words. He gave up. He lost the game.

My heart is frozen. Everything is frozen. Everything except time.

Jason should be here, sitting on these crappy chairs in this crappy auditorium for graduation. He should be giving his valedictorian speech from that podium where Matt is. Jason deserved it.

But he lost.

I can't feel a thing anymore. I haven't been able to since his breathing stopped. Since they pried his body from my arms. Since the EMTs declared him dead before they even got to the hospital.

Something inside of me tells me that time won't heal these wounds. As much as I may try to move on, as much as I wish I could…I can't. I will never find anyone, because I'm not meant to be with anyone. Only Jason. That was the way it was supposed to be…him and me forever.

But here I am. I'm alive, Jason isn't. And yet…I don't feel like I've won the game. I feel like I've lost. I have nothing left to fight for, honestly.

As much as I would like to follow him there, as I would follow him anywhere, I can't. I've got to live for the both of us now. I've got to keep going in this game. Except this game will never end. I will never win nor lose, because the game will just keep going and going.

The most I can do is keep the memories alive. His memories alive. I take a sidelong glance at Ivy, her hand on her stomach. There's a baby in there that's half Jason. As much as I hate the idea, I want to be there for it. For the baby and for Ivy. Carry on the memories.

Keep the memories alive.

Keep Jason alive in my heart forever.

Keep playing the game, no wins, no losses.

Just concentrating on the game.


End file.
